A precious relic

It’s always been difficult for me that my cuts disappear fairly quickly. I feel ridiculous in thinking that I struggle with it when the evidence is no longer there. It seems to invalidate it all.

Which is why I’m glad that I’ve finally got one that seems to have some longevity. Just one. Not too chunky. Could technically be anything. It’s evidence for me. It’s a reassurance that I have struggled with it. It’s a validation. It’ll probably fade sooner or later, but it’s a big help for me right now. It placates my mind. I don’t have any compulsion to renew what has faded, because it hasn’t all faded.

Okay, so it’s only a month old, but hey.

My mental wellbeing has improved significantly in the past two weeks, but the urges haven’t evaporated. The desire to escape it all hasn’t gone completely by any means. This puts me in an awkward position of whether I go for a new counsellor or not. At the moment, everything is on the whole easier. I can grit my teeth and get on with things for the most part. So why don’t I? No need to be a wimp and get counselling, right? Maybe that’s a question for the counsellor to answer.

Humility VS high self-esteem

In my endeavours to have humility stamped across my brain, I sometimes think that the way I approach things sounds like I have a low self-esteem. I don’t think I do at all.

So, if we presume a high self-esteem, does that necessarily clash with humility? Is it in fact a false humility. It fools even me, but it is a mask nevertheless.

I don’t think so, but I don’t really understand how this works.

The thin protective layer of coffee

It concerns me if this business of treating myself to a daily coffee is what improves my mental health. The idea that all that stands between me and great mental brokenness is some strategically located coffee is not encouraging. At all.

If it has helped as much as I think it may have… I still get the impression that it just suppresses the mental brokenness. It lies latent. Its full strength is still there, watching and waiting.

A philosophy of my veganity

If and when I explain to someone my veganism, I don’t tend to do it with any expectation that they will suddenly care. Telling someone what to care about doesn’t strike me as too effective, humble or respectful. What is more effective, humble and respectful is to offer my point of view and leave it at that. To then emphasise my respect of their own judgement hopefully provides a more compelling reason for them to re-examine their judgement, and also gives room for them to make their own judgement, which for all I know could be far wiser than my own.

In one sense, it is a ploy to get people to change their minds. But in another sense, it’s not. That’s a happy benefit of exercising humility and respect. That approach creates the opportunity for dialogue so that I have the opportunity to learn from them too. I am far more concerned about getting myself right than getting others right. I can fully justify this because after all, the latter must follow from the former.

Stomach related stuff and control

After telling someone that I self-harm… when I’m alone and what I’ve just done hits me… my stomach suddenly goes slightly eh at me.

Speaking of stomachs, I had an interesting development today. There was a VERY FAINT part of me that saw the value in eating in order to make myself sick. It was faint, but fascinating. Jumping at the chance to analyse this, I…I… I couldn’t quite understand why the control I yearned for had to be self-destructive. Maybe it’s because negativeness can be generated as much as I want, whereas I have far less control over something positive. It’s like with cutting – I have complete control over the feeling I create: its timing and its strength. They say that it’s usually about control, so I presume that it is. To call it negative is a bit misleading. I don’t perceive it as negative but positive. Because it focuses the mind to the exclusion of all else, it provides total control over reality. This simple and pure reality that I can create and fully control is what must be so appealing about it (that and endorphins, no doubt).

It’s a special kind of escapism. In one sense it is an escape: in another it is grasping control.

House group size

The number of people really changes the dynamic dramatically. The people present obviously change the dynamic too. My point being that any slight variation changes the dynamic significantly. Leading a small group is very different from a big group. The bigger it is, the more there is to it. With big groups, I like to do quite different studies. I like to do big topics like ‘friendship’ that benefits from lots of perspectives.

I think preparation is most necessary for big groups. There’s more chaos in big groups, so there is greater need for an anchor of preparation.

Every time I speak of ‘leading’ the house group, I yearn for another word. One without any implication of authority or imposition. That’s how I want it to be…

Ted Herbert

For all those who say that I think too much… You’d best discourage me from going for coffees every day. It provides a unique space for me to ponder and ponder. Here is what I inscribed into my notepad tonight:

I live in the hope that to live this life well is good. My hope is in God that he has made it so.

I’ll never know Ted Herbert for the man he was, and no one but my sister will ever know him for the father he was.

A few more years and I could’ve had the perspective to understand my life with him… like accepting God’s offer of reconciliation without knowing what it cost. One can’t begin to fully understand and appreciate it.

The missed opportunity is sad, but I know I’m so blessed for what I did get. I want it all, but I must be satisfied with less, for that is my lot. Life is like that, and it’s okay.

house group

Maybe I am too unstable to lead a house group? My hope is that this ‘leadership’ idea is very limited in its application. Others can have the responsibility of making it work. God can have that responsibility too. I just do what I can. I do my bit. Play my part, and it is but one part.

I have decided that it is important to do some sort of study or discussion about friendship tomorrow… I have no idea how this is going to play out. I seem to have lost the ability to care about anything tonight. With this short notice house group tomorrow, I don’t have much time to prepare. I want to make it something special though.

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I get the occasional hint from others that there’s something a bit different about me. I wish I wasn’t me so I could see what on earth it is. I’m curious. Sometimes those hints carry with them some unexpected confidence in me. I don’t really care what people think of me, but I am very interested in it.

Oh, I’m so sick of life. I’ll never get over this if I don’t hang around though.

I’m only 20. How can I be sick of life? Well, to be fair to me, I’ve had a fairly intense year. By my own doing mostly… I simultaneously don’t want it to carry on, but can’t stop myself from caring about getting stuff done. I look at the vast growth I’ve experienced in the past year and I see so much fruit from my efforts. Yet these efforts are probably dragging me down. I don’t see a happy medium. Or maybe I do, it’s just that it’s a difficult task to condition myself to reach that medium.

boo.

Creating creation

There must be a way of glimpsing the perspective of the Creator by becoming a creator too.

post-mortem prayer

I love this job. I meet people from many countries, I find friendship, I have space to be alone. I sometimes hate how it traps and isolates me. I would probably do this for nothing. After all, there is great value in working – it helps me understand people who work, it helps me appreciate the value of it and it is fruitful.

An invaluable part of this job is the time afforded to me while setting up the chairs for tomorrow’s event or service. I tend to use it to pray. I can concentrate well in that setting – like in a lecture, the lecture is all I care about, but I can’t fully concentrate without doing something else at the same time.

I was very concerned about my veering towards a theology that looks more and more like I would have it be. I have no opinion on universalism at the moment. It strikes me as unlikely that God would narrow the ’saved’ to assenting Christians. Much as I sought it, I felt no condemnation tonight as I wrestled with this new way of looking at things. I say it’s a new way of looking at things because it is. The implications for the meaning of a God of ‘justice’, a God of ‘love’, a God of ‘grace’, a God of ‘jealousy’, a God of ‘wrath’. Universalism has taken a thankful knock in its urgency now. I consider there to be a distinct difference between reward and punishment. I consider there to be a distinct difference between death and eternal punishment.

I now have the peace of mind that I don’t feel at all ethically superior to God any more. Before now I trusted that the whole hell thing was the right thing, if only I had the right perspective and knowledge – I did this in spite of the belief that it was ethically wrong. It felt as if He was endearing one way of approaching life to me and then Himself doing something completely different.

Things seem to make so much more sense now that I allow myself to consider it as the most likely possibility. This only serves to make me more confident (which isn’t hard). I don’t like this. I don’t like believing things differently to others. Conflict seems inevitable at some point… hopefully I’m wiser about how to handle conflict now. I really don’t want this, but I am deeply heartened by how much sense this seems to make; by how good this seems to be.

I’m scared that I’m wrong. I’m scared that I’m wrong for the wrong reasons. I’m scared of the inevitable conflict.

Life seems better now. I feel happier to seek the presence of a God who probably doesn’t condemn most of humanity to hell. I feel happier to seek oneness with Him.